WonderWoman

I think I’m back. I hate to say I am and then not log in for a while but the goal is to come back and blog more. When I first started Buddyslim (a couple of years ago?) I used it mostly to journal about my plan and my ups and downs of my food and exercise plan. But now I am a couple of years older and some major changes have come into my life and I want to journal my feelings. I feel my trust level with people has really gone down the tubes so to journal my thoughts may be a better way of getting things out instead of trusting local friends and family with my thoughts. I even noticed that when I journaled before I was vague sometimes about what I felt but you know…I don’t really care anymore. I almost deleted my account to make a whole new one so I could write down my thoughts without anyone actually seeing everything I felt. You know, like people in your area who may have joined up too? But now…I don’t care anymore. So much has happened to me…embarassement…a separation…loss of home…moving on from so called “friends”, why should I care what people think anymore? I’ve been embarrassed enough and tired of trying to hide it all. My sister has shown me not to care anymore what people think. So much has happened to me with my friends and family watching that I almost feel like my life has zero privacy. I’ve lost alot of pride. Good thing? Well, we shall see as time goes by.

But, it hasn’t been all bad. I started working again (I was a stay at home mom for over 3 years) and it only took about a month to find my job and I’m getting paid pretty darn good too for someone who hasn’t worked in forever. I have made amends with my sister who has been my biggest supporter during my separation from my husband. I’m taking care of me more.

I’m going to use this blog to really tell how I feel this time around. Not all right now but as I go. I have alot of resentment…alot of dissapointment…alot of regret.

But I also have alot of hope…God has blessed me with many good things right now….my children are well and doing great…I’m earning my own money and making my own decisions…I’m guiding my own life again…I have made friends with my sister again.

Sometimes when things are quiet and I reflect back, I have alot of regrets and maybe even hatred for what my husband has put me through financially and emotionally. I have regrets and hate for what a “friend” did to me which was basically dump me when things got rough for me. I guess I just didn’t fit that stay at home mom pal with her anymore. More thoughts on that one later. I want to get past all that. I don’t want to feel hate, regret or anything. I don’t even want to feel good about them. I just want to feel indifferent about them. At least for now. Maybe later I can feel good about them. Maybe I need to feel hate and mourn the loss of my past life before I can go further.

I just hate when things are quiet and then I reflect back and feel like crying…

I will get through it all. God will get me through it all. When I have asked for His help, he is always there. I just need to learn to be patient for all the things I hope for myself.

Stay well Buddies. Thanks to people who still sent me messages and boosters and friend requests after all that time I was gone. It’s nice to know people haven’t forgotten you. : )